About fear and honouring the brave ones...

 

I'm scrolling through the Twitter hashtag #BreastCancerAwarenessMonth and even though there are more stories of survival than anything else, I cannot deny that I am afraid.

My body is recovering well after the three surgeries I had on 1 August (lumpectomy - 1 hour), 30 August (bilateral mastectomy and reconstructive surgery - 3 hours), and 29 September (debridement - 1 hour). Yesterday I managed to drive the 140 km from Parys to Joburg and back for business meetings. I was fatigued and sore by the time I arrived back home, but I am slowly getting my independence back. My body is still suffering some unpleasant side effects from being on antibiotics non-stop since 30 August. The last dose is today and hopefully, I won't be put onto another course when I see the surgeon tomorrow for a follow-up.

Tomorrow I'm also meeting another oncologist for a second opinion. The first oncologist still hasn't confirmed to me in person what stage my cancer is in. I have a stack of reports and the information in there seems conflicting at best. When I read on the world-wide-web it seems as if I have stage 1A cancer, but the treatment plan (set up by the first oncologist) that the medical aid approved is for a 28-week chemo plan for stage 2A cancer. Even though he said I will not need more than 4 sessions of chemo over 12 weeks. So, without consulting with me he has drawn up a treatment plan of 20 chemo session over 28 weeks. I still have so many unanswered questions and am hoping that the oncologist tomorrow will be able to provide hubby and me with some answers.

I am afraid because it seems that I am being sent from doctor to doctor to doctor without getting any more information than I had on the day in July that I received the news that I have breast cancer. Isn't this all taking too long? What if the cancer spreads while we are waiting for an appointment at a doctor who is going to refer to me another doctor who is going to refer to another doctor? See, there starts the 'what ifs' again that I promised myself I won't do.

I am afraid because, although I have new perky breasts, my upper body has been mutilated and I have no idea how many times I will still have to go for surgery before my breasts look more normal again. I still cannot look at my naked body in the mirror for more than a few seconds. I still haven't seen my breasts without any dressings. Only my husband and my surgeon has seen my new breasts for what they are.

I am afraid because I have witnessed what chemo does to a person's body. My uncle (my mother's sister's husband - so not a blood relative) was diagnosed with lymphoma in the late 80s. And he is a survivor! My husband's friend was diagnosed with cancer some years ago, and he is in remission! My best friend was diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and she in remission! Another best friend's husband was diagnosed with cancer about 15 years ago, he lost the battle about five years ago. Another good friend's fiancee was diagnosed with cancer about 10 years ago, he lost the battle after a very short fight. Another friend of my husband and I just had her 39th round of chemo and she is fighting this battle bravely with everything she has.

Knowing that I have a close group of friends who understands what Stefan and I are going through helps a lot, but it does not take away my fear. And I am sure my husband is afraid too. He doesn't say it in words, and he doesn't show it in his facial expressions, but if he is not afraid he is not human. 

People may consider me brave while in truth I think the real brave person here is my darling husband, Stéfan Louw. He is the one that had to watch me go from being super focussed on my career to strolling through the house restless without any ambition left in me. He is the one that had to carry me in his arms when I couldn't get myself in and out of bed after my second surgery. He is the one that has to cope with my uncontrolled emotions - one moment I'm laughing and the next I'm crying hysterically. He is the one that had to drive me around at 4 in the morning so that we can be in Joburg for procedures. He is the one that had to bathe me and wash my hair and dress me since my first surgery, and it was worse after the second surgery. 

While Breast Cancer Awareness Month is about creating awareness for self examination and the importance of the mammogram, it is also a time to honour those who lost their fight, those who are fighting cancer, and those who survived. But we forget to honour the cancer patient's partner, their sons and their daughters, who are the ones that have to always put up brave faces.