It is what it is...

 

On the 8th of July, I went for a routine mammogram and on the 23rd of July it was confirmed - I have breast cancer. Following an array of diagnostics tests and surgery, I finally sat opposite my oncologist on the 21st of August receiving the news that I have aggressive Grade 3 invasive lobular breast cancer. A week later I was admitted to hospital for a bilateral (double) skin-saving mastectomy and direct to implant breast reconstruction. Today, on the 16th of September, I heard that I will start chemotherapy in the next two or three weeks.

But let's take a step back and allow me to explain a few things. Cancer cells were found in my right breast. My type of cancer is stimulated by estrogen and it has aggressive growth patterns. During the mastectomy, we managed to obtain what the doctors call surgical clearance. This means that all the cancer cells were removed during the surgery. A total of eight lymph nodes were removed around the area of the cancer (six in the right breast and two in the left breast) and all eight these nodes were clear, which means the cancer has not spread beyond my breasts. In testing the tissue removed, it was found that cancer cells already started growing in my left breast since my mammogram 10 weeks ago, indicating the aggressiveness of my type of cancer. Further diagnostics were done and my chest and abdomen are clear of tumours, which means I do not have detectable cancer anywhere else in my body. Blood tests also indicate a likelihood that the cancer has not spread. 

So, why would I need chemotherapy? The type of chemo my oncologist prescribe is called adjuvant therapy. This type of therapy is used after other treatments, like surgery, to kill any cancer cells that might remain in the body. These are called circulating tumour cells. There are three types of adjuvant chemotherapy that could potentially be prescribed. My oncologist has requested one more test that will determine his preferred treatment. Minimum treatment time will be 12 weeks but could be up to 18 weeks. We can only start treatment once I have recovered from surgery, which is usually 3-5 weeks post-operative.

After chemotherapy, I will receive hormone blocker therapy (basically stopping my body from producing estrogen) for at least another five years. This is done to prevent cancer from coming back and to decrease the risk of cancer developing anywhere else in my body.

How do I feel? 

Physically, my body goes through cycles of ups and downs. I still wake up between 4 am and 5 am every day without an alarm clock. The first half of the day my energy levels are relatively high, but during the second half of the day, I start feeling weak and lethargic. I have no pain but I experience strange sensations that range from a dull heaviness from the implants to medium discomfort in my armpits where the lymph nodes where removed. Nerve endings on my breast are still 'dead' which means I do not have any feeling on the skin of my breasts. The pec muscles that was detached from my ribs and put over the implants may not be used yet as it must be given time to re-attach itself. This means I still cannot move my arms a lot - for instance, I can still not comb or wash my own hair, and it is difficult to bathe, dress, or sit upright after lying down unaided. My back is killing me because I can only sleep in one position - on my back, slightly elevated, with my arms propped on pillows either side of my body.

Mentally, my mind is all over the place. I have a million questions and only get one or two answered each time I see a doctor. Having an inbox full of unpaid medical bills does not help my state of mind. Not having been able to work the way I used to over the last 10 weeks, servicing as many clients at once as I'm used to, does not help my bank balance. Having to sell the car I gave my husband as a 40th birthday gift, helps take some immediate pressure off me in terms of servicing clients, but it does not solve the long-term challenge of uncertainty on how my body will react to chemotherapy.

I have cancer. It is what is it is. I have a choice: I can allow cancer to defeat me, or I can step up and beat it. I choose the latter! I know it is not going to be easy. I know that I am likely to have more downs than ups over the next 12 months. But I also know that I have a loving and caring husband who will do anything to help me through this. And then I have you - my family and friends. Your support means so much to me. All I ask is that you continue to light a candle for me as often as you can or say a little prayer for me when you have a moment.

I have cancer. It is what it is. I have to take it day-by-day. I have to take it step-by-step. I have to fight this fight for myself and those around me who love me and who care about me. 

I have cancer. It is what it is. And I can beat it!