Scanxiety - the fear and anxiety related to cancer check-ups

Next week Friday, I am going for my three-monthly breast cancer check-up. The fear and anxiety that I experience during the time leading up to these check-ups can be disabling. Thousands of 'what ifs' occupy my thoughts. I have disturbing dreams, don't sleep well, and feel generally demotivated. 

Last week I decided to call my psychologist for a consultation, and yesterday we discussed my fears and feelings. Although I now better understand why I'm feeling the way I do, it does not take away the anxiety that I experience.

When I'm anxious, I get grumpy and snap at everyone around me. I struggle to concentrate and make mistakes that I wouldn't usually make. I eat more, which makes me depressed because I cannot shake off the 20 kg I gained during chemotherapy. And, as a result, I eat even more! I stop caring for myself; taking a shower is a massive chore that drains the little strength I have. All my energy goes into worrying about something that I have no control over - the results of the upcoming medical tests. 

During my check-up in August, the oncologist expressed her concerns about the abnormally high bone cancer markers. Although she said it could result from testing positive for SARS-CoV-2 (the COVID-19 virus), my brain has been playing tricks with me the last few weeks. I have been getting severe backaches, so much that I can't sleep. Sometimes, just walking hurts my lower back. It is possible that the back pain results from our old mattress or because I sit for long periods or started a workout regime twice a week. But, of course, my brain always expects the worst.

According to the psychologist, it is my brain's way to try to protect myself. The problem is that I fixate on the worst possible result, which makes me fearful and anxious. I play through various outcomes and possible responses as if I am writing a script for a psychological thriller. The character the audience thinks is the heroin turns out to be a psycho bitch on a killing spree. 

As a breast cancer survivor, I wear a mask for the world to see that everything is okay. But in reality, the Sword of Damocles hangs over my head at every moment. Most days, I manage to ignore the feeling of hovering doom, but in the days leading up to a cancer check-up, it is almost as if I can feel the blade brushing against my hair.

Will the fear recede in the coming months, or perhaps in the coming years? I don't know. Only time will tell.