You CAN overcome deep, dark thoughts

Today I am going to share with you some of my darkest moments of the past ten months. Not because I want your pity, but because I want you to know that YOU can overcome those dark thoughts that dwindle deep down in your mind.

I have a history of suicide attempts. The first was when I was 14 years old and attempted to slit my wrists. When I was 18, I took an overdose of a mixture of drugs that were available in the house. Until I met my husband when I was 22 years old, I overdosed on pills on numerous occasions. With his help over the past 24 years, I have managed to overcome my demons and became the positive person that you know.

And then, in August of last year, life threw me a curveball - a Stage 2 breast cancer diagnoses. To cope with it, I went into autopilot mode. Almost blindly accepting my fate. A myriad of diagnostic tests, surgery, chemotherapy, more surgery, additional drugs, and more surgery. I chose to trust my medical team and follow their recommendations. 

But, in the process, I lost my independence, my energy, my body, and my mind. I slipped back into the deep, dark hole filled with demons from my past, the frustration of the present, and uncertainty of the future. 

I lie awake at night, contemplating the best way to end it all. We don't own any gun or pistol, so shooting myself is not an option. Drinking rat poison will be too painful, although possibly the most irreversible option. Driving my car into a bridge pillar, with my bad luck, I'll get out of the wreck paralysed instead of dead. I could step onto the highway, or jump off a bridge, in front of an oncoming truck. Taking an overdose of drugs will not work because it is reasonably easy to reverse the effects, and I'll end up spending time in the hospital. Slitting my wrists (using the correct technique this time) is probably the best. The rapid blood loss will let me pass out, and I'll die peacefully. 

Then, come morning, I get a hug from my husband and lots of doggy kisses and my dark thoughts are forgotten for a few hours. I post on Facebook and get encouraging messages from my friends that make me feel better. But only until nightfall. When the house grows quiet, my mind goes wild.

I reached a point where I did not care. I started ignoring myself, my husband, and my beloved animal companions. I neglected my clients. I lost all hope for the future. I was on autopilot and did not care. I became like a zombie, stumbling around with sounds coming out of my mouth that did not make any sense. My mind was blank, void of any thoughts, good or bad.

Two weeks ago, I decided to open up to one of my doctors. He listened with patience and radiated a sense of empathy. I started taking the prescription drug for depression ten days ago, and already I am feeling so much better. Sleep comes easy. I have more energy, and I started caring for myself again. The demons of my past are back where they belong, in the past. I can deal with the frustrations of my treatment and surgery side-effects. And most important, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! 

Many people have experienced a degree of depression or anxiety during the lockdown. Or perhaps you are also dealing with something that seems impossible to overcome - unemployment, financial strain, ill health, abuse, relationship tension - the list is long. 

What I want you to know is that it is okay to ask for help. Reach out to your healthcare professional before it is too late. Sometimes it is best to get chemical help than trying to deal with the crap in your life on your own. The power of positive thinking is a great thing, but occasionally you may need to get the chemical balance right before positive thinking can kick in. 

Stay strong! Stay positive! 

You can do it!